Joke Of The Day!!!!!

[Marion]

That's right!!!!!

[Granny]

For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...


If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT:


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?


COSTELLO: Yes. I'm setting up an office in my den & I'm thinking about buying a computer.


ABBOTT: Mac?


COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.


ABBOTT: Your computer?


COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


ABBOTT: Mac?


COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.


ABBOTT: What about Windows?


COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?


ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?


COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?


ABBOTT: Wallpaper.


COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.


ABBOTT: Software for Windows?


COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?


ABBOTT: Office.


COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office Can you recommend anything?


ABBOTT: I just did.


COSTELLO: You just did what?


ABBOTT: Recommend something.


COSTELLO: You recommended something?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO: For my office?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?


ABBOTT: Office

.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!


ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.


COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


ABBOTT: Word.


COSTELLO: What word?


ABBOTT: Word in Office.


COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.


ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.


COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?


ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".


COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers!


ABBOTT: What about financial bookkeeping?


COSTELLO: You have anything I can track my money with?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?


ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.


COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?


ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.


COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer???? How much?


ABBOTT: One copy.


COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?????


ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.


COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?


ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!


(A few days later)


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?


COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?


ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

[Marion]

Love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sacannon]

LOL, a little dejevou here. (thinking about trying to explain things to my mom about the computer)....hope she doesn't read this!

[scrappyaggie48]

Granny that is a classic - no matter what subject- it's a beauty, love it

[Granny]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head..'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[Granny]

http://laist.com/2009/03/07/video_of...giving_bir.php

[Granny]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000
bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the
juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out
would win the money. Many people had tried over time
(weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could
do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar,
wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said
in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said
OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed
the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the
man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops
fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender
paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you
do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter,
or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

[Marion]

Priceless Granny!

[TNLori]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please, create a trade in our bodies."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his wife, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m.and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor, ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned up the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 p.m.he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love - which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night."