Joke Of The Day!!!!!

[scrappyaggie48]

JOHNNY THE BAPTIST

Matt. 18:4-5 'Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me.'
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed
him 'playing church' with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.
She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back
to the open window to see Johnny baptising the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, 'Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!'
Johnny looked up at her and said,
'He should have thought about that before he joined my church.'

Enjoy Your Day !!!!!

[Marion]

Great one!!!!!

[pkdoll]

LMBO!!! That a good one!

[scrappyaggie48]

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have deve! ! loped a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

I just could not help it.

That's funny

[twpclerk]

Just a little something I threw together for my neighbor!! Nothing Fancy, Just Funny!!

[Marion]

For those of you that live in the wintery part of the world.....You can all sympathize.
A bit long but very funny and it describes how we all feel.

Diary of a Demented Snow Sniveler

December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic Sight! Can there be a more lovely place in The whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've Ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
Disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
We'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
Temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is The life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, But I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to Her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the **** stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The **** snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done And bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold, It probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes To get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the ***hole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I Ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow Plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish Shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just Been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
Carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the **** snowplow.

December 25

Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the **** slop tonight - Snowed in
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The B***H is driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his *ss. The wife went home to her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[Granny]

Thank You for "2008"


I just want to thank all of you for your
educational e-mails over the past year.

I am totally messed up now and
have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without
using a paper towel.

Or have them put lemon slices in my ice water
without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I
don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the
movie channels. Nor can I sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who
has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is
picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip
because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has
placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me
the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a
wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I
open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it
to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I won't touch margarine, as it is just one
molecule away from being plastic.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers
only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make
a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca
Cola because it can remove toilet stains, nor do I drink Pepsi or Dr.
Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse
to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I can no longer buy gasoline without taking
someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back
seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a
cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

Neither will I go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I won't shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone
will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can' t use anyone's toilet but
my own because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to
cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever
pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed
there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll
get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 14,000
people in the next 14 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 1,000 camels
will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this
will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient
brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[Marion]

Thanks Granny, this is funny. I have received just about every one of those emails forwarded to me. No wonder we are all scared out our witts! How did we ever live before we were warned by email?

Thanks for the laugh!

[Kazr]

"I've just had the most awful time. First, I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering,
I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics and to top it all off, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow! How did you ever manage to pull through?"

"I don't know. It was the toughest spelling test I ever had."

[Kazr]

HEEHEE Granny, just checked & couldnt believe I had my hand on my mouse as i read your joke...good one!