Joke Of The Day!!!!!

[*eng*]

I have that Marion displayed on the walls for my older people to read

Very true Marion. I saw a car sticker today that said 'Be nice to your kids, they choose youre nursing home' !

[*eng*]

Love the latest postings LOL

[scrappyaggie48]

Hope it does not offend anyone!!!!

Subject: Sister Mary


Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,
'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.'
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5
years. You can speak two words.' Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better
bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. 'Cold food,' said
Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be
better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine into his office.
'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done f*ck all but moan
since you've been here.'

[Granny]

Priceless!!!!

ROFL!

[scrappyaggie48]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.



But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!


I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!




When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he

discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she

had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'


To which the parrot replied, 'Get him Spike!'

See - Men just don't listen!

[Marion]

Good one!!!!

[scrappyaggie48]

J " ALL PUNS INTENDED "

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
;
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Marion]

Very cute!

[Granny]

Aggie, Aggie, you crack me up!!!

[*eng*]

A Senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100 mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 140mph. Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her
back.'


'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.