Joke Of The Day!!!!!

[*eng*]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, she has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

"The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

LOL Reminds me of when my hubby pretended that the brakes had failed on our car going doewn a hill! I have to say it did cure my hiccups

[mswizard]

1. Men are like ..Laxatives..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....Commercials....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like ......Government Bonds.... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are likePopcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[*eng*]

1. Men are like ..Laxatives..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....Commercials....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like ......Government Bonds.... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are likePopcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[Granny]

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.



FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.



FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.



FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.


NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.


GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.


AND THE BEST ONE:


FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

[*eng*]

I love that last one Granny....PRICELESS

[Kazr]

Still having a great laugh thanks to you all
It's been so hectic here with School holidays,Easter,Birthdays etc, will be pleased when it all gets back to normal

Some more Steven Wright for you (yes it's true,I have a warped sense of humour)

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the
back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically..

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called,
"They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself.
Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning.
.[Picks up his glass of water from the stool...] I like to live on the edge...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child... Eventually.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car
I like to say, "Sooo, how far did you THINK you were
going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to
try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you
get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington
for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.
She said, "Cut it out."

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning.
I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on.
My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake
me up so he carried me out of the house, put my
skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the
mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out
of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving
horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.

[knzus]

*ROTFL at you all*

Oh my goodness...I needed this thread!

Speaking of jokes...ya ever notice how they made bagpipes sound like cats yowling? (Sorry to my hubby...he's a Scot descendant...but I couldn't resist.) LOL!

[mswizard]

-I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Granny]

ROFL!!!!!!!!!! Oh my word, there ought to be a law!!!

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.


Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq,Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.



George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.



85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.


Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.



Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.


IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent


Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[Marion]

These are all great! Nice to come home from work and read these. I Needed a laugh!