Joke Of The Day!!!!!

[jazzieal]

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what in the world are these obscene cardboard figures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

[jazzieal]

This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall
saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know
what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No........I'm a little
busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall
who keeps answering all my questions!

[mswizard]

This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall
saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know
what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No........I'm a little
busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall
who keeps answering all my questions!

ROTF....I can actually see this happening to someone! HAHAHAHA You are soooo funny Jazz...thanks~!

[Kazr]

Still having a great laugh here,thanks ladies



TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!


LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
__________________________________________________ ______________________

FAMILY


Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
__________________________________________________ ______________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"


Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
__________________________________________________ _____________________

LITTLE LADY:


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
__________________________________________________ _____________________

OLD FRIENDS:


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
____________ __ __________________________________________________ _______

SENIOR DRIVING


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
__________________________________________________ _____________________

DRIVING


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

[TerryW]

I CAN'T GET IN

When I click on 'Days of our Scraps' it leads me to a blank page - any hints or should I take the fact that I can't get in as a hint ?

I've tried and I've tried and still can't can't get in.

Terry.

[OnieRN]

Did you click like other threads? It's the same! We're waiting for you to take up residence......

[TerryW]

Hi Onie,

Yes - I have visited most threads to see what they are made of and 'Days of our Scrapville' is the only one doing this. I select the thread, a new tab opens (normal), the server communications open (normal) and then before any data begins to transfer - blank page.

I have the U-Haul packed - I'm sitting on the side of the road somewhere outside the 'City Limits'. I'll just have to sleep in the car till something changes... I just know what that might be.

Regards,
Terry.

[jazzieal]

Hi Onie,

Yes - I have visited most threads to see what they are made of and 'Days of our Scrapville' is the only one doing this. I select the thread, a new tab opens (normal), the server communications open (normal) and then before any data begins to transfer - blank page.

I have the U-Haul packed - I'm sitting on the side of the road somewhere outside the 'City Limits'. I'll just have to sleep in the car till something changes... I just know what that might be.

Regards,
Terry.

Hang on Terry...going to try and get some help for you..the welcome wagon is waiting on you in Scrapsville..

[jazzieal]

Kazr those were too funny...thanks for posting them..

Terry W...I sent out a may day to desmond for you in the SBM Discussion forum...keep a check maybe he or someone else can get you in Scrapsville..we're waiting on you..

Now to some of my favorites

Heres Your Sign:
Stupid people should have to wear stupid signs that just say, I'm stupid..that way you wouldnt rely on them would you? You wouldnt ask them anything..it would be like excuse me...opps..never mind, didnt see your sign..
Its like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway..my neighbor comes over and says, "Hey you moving?" Nope, we just pack our stuff up twice a week to see how many boxes it takes...Heres your sign...

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big string of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey ya'll catch all them fish"? Nope..talked them into giving up...Heres your sign...

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-road gas stations..the attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"
I couldnt resist..I said, Nope..I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me...Heres your sign...

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said..."are you still here?" No..I left about 10 minutes ago..Heres your sign...

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure..wouldnt you know I misjudged the height of a bridge..the truck got stuck and I couldnt get it out no matter how I tried.. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report...He went thru his basic questioning..okay..no problem..thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign..until he asked..."So, is your truck stuck?" I couldnt help myself...I looked at him looked back at the rig and then back to him and said..."No, Im delivering a bridge...heres your sign...
Ya'll have a good day!!!

[Marion]

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month. ROFL...that is gonna be me!

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. !

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby:! When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

Love it! I can identify with my 3 kids! Everything was so much more relaxed with the 3rd.