Joke Of The Day!!!!!

[Granny]

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race horses
lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!
Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first.
Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would
tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was
dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants--you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!"

:D

[OnieRN]

Very cute Granny! :cool:

[NanaC95565]

That is toooo funny Granny Thanks for sharing.

[mswizard]

HAHAHAHA..Guess I'll watch closer next time I see a Priest blessing any horses I decide to bet on!

[Granny]

Ah, ladies (and I use the term loosely!), thanks for the comments, but you're suppossed to be posting jokes!

This is our new, Joke of the Day threat!!!

:p

[Marion]

Love it Granny, I will have to search my archives...

[Marion]

"Outhouse"

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,
looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

[mswizard]

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old
man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the
occasion and take the time to pass it on and share that smile with someone
else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

[pkdoll]

Marion that was way too funny! (OUCH!)

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.

As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."

[sacannon]

Loved all of these!

[mswizard]

I can't laughing at that one Marion! I gotta tell my mom! so she can tell all the nurses at the Oncology center tomorrow afternoon! ohhhhh my ribs hurt!

[Marion]

I love our newe joke corner!!!:D :D :D :D

[Granny]

Yeahhhhhhhhh!!!! The gang strikes again. Love them all! Thank you for rising to the occasion!

;)

[pkdoll]

Too funny!

I found a great site called Women's Funny Videos (www.womensfunnyvideos.com) It has a lot of good stuff. Here is a page from this site that I thought you would enjoy.

The address is:
http://www.womensfunnyvideos.com/videos/WhoLetTheDogsOut.htm


Paula

[mswizard]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She
noticed the man opposite

her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to
another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move,
the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man
arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 Years old)what he
had to say for himself.

The man replied,

"Well your Honor, it was like this:


When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but
notice her condition.

She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double
Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.


Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had
to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that
said,

"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could
hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and
sat

under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have
prevented this Accident."

I just lost it."


>"CASE DISMISSED"

[Marion]

Heard this one before, but it still cracks me up!:D

[jazzieal]

One day a blonde lady was shopping..she wandered into a hardware store and was looking around..The clerks sees her and asks if he can help her....well, she said, what is this thing, clerk told her, its a thermos bottle mam...oh she said and what does does it do...well mam, it keeps cold things cold and hot things hot...oh I have to have one of these she says...next day she goes to work and carries her new thermos bottle...her boss (who is also blonde) sees her thermos bottle and asks her what it is...she replies its a thermos bottle and it keeps cold things cold and hot things hot..he looks at her with this amazed look on his face and asks..what have you got in there..she looks at him with a look of sheer joy on her face and replies..."Two popcicles and a cup of coffee"

[Granny]

ROFL!!!!!! I love blonds! :D Good one, Jazz!

[sacannon]

Good one Jazz!

[mswizard]

Liked that one Jazz!! ROTFLMBO

[Linda]

Oh, laughing is good for the soul and I sure laughed alot with these! Laughing is a great stress reliever! Thanks guys!

[mswizard]

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, you know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...It was the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?!"

[Granny]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!..


The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
= MIDNITE!)


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh shoot.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[rosana brito]

Scientific uselessness....

If you to be crying out per 8 years, 7 months and five days, it will have produced energy sonorous enough to heat a CUP of coffee.

The human heart produces pressure enough to gush out the blood for is of the body to a distance of 10 meters.

(Uau)

A cockroach can survive 9 days without its head until dying of hunger.


To beat its head against the wall continuously spends on average 150 calories for the moment.

(It does not try this in house; perhaps in the work)
The flea can jump up to 350 times the length of the proper body. He is as if a man jumped in the distance of a soccer field .

The FISH catfish has gustativas 27 000 more than papilas.

(What it is that can have of so flavorful in the deep one of a river)


The butterflies feel the taste with the feet.

(This I always wanted to know)

The muscle strongest of the body is the language.

(Hmmmmmmmm…)

Dexterous people live 9 years on average more than what the left-handed people.

(And if the person will be ambidextrous)

Elephants are the only animals that do not obtain to jump.

(And it is better that it is thus)

Piss of the cats shines when displayed to the black light.

(And somebody was paid to discover this)

The eye of an ostrich is bigger of what its brain.

(I know people thus)

Star-of - sea does not have brains.

(I know people thus also)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they to start to use the other side, will live more)

[*eng*]

Granny...excellent ....sweet too :)

[*eng*]

Marion...loved that one...getting your own back hehe :D

[*eng*]

Wow these are all great ...keep them coming..didn't realise there were so many!
:D:)

[Marion]

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, you know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...It was the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?!"

Love it!!!!

[Marion]

Scientific uselessness....

If you to be crying out per 8 years, 7 months and five days, it will have produced energy sonorous enough to heat a CUP of coffee.

The human heart produces pressure enough to gush out the blood for is of the body to a distance of 10 meters.

(Uau)

A cockroach can survive 9 days without its head until dying of hunger.


To beat its head against the wall continuously spends on average 150 calories for the moment.

(It does not try this in house; perhaps in the work)
The flea can jump up to 350 times the length of the proper body. He is as if a man jumped in the distance of a soccer field .

The FISH catfish has gustativas 27 000 more than papilas.

(What it is that can have of so flavorful in the deep one of a river)


The butterflies feel the taste with the feet.

(This I always wanted to know)

The muscle strongest of the body is the language.

(Hmmmmmmmm…)

Dexterous people live 9 years on average more than what the left-handed people.

(And if the person will be ambidextrous)

Elephants are the only animals that do not obtain to jump.

(And it is better that it is thus)

Piss of the cats shines when displayed to the black light.

(And somebody was paid to discover this)

The eye of an ostrich is bigger of what its brain.

(I know people thus)

Star-of - sea does not have brains.

(I know people thus also)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they to start to use the other side, will live more)

These are great Rosana, and your comments are priceless!!!:D :D :D

[jazzieal]

The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more. :eek:

[Marion]

Jazz, that is soooo funny!

[mswizard]

Lordy Jazz...you crack me up :D

[Granny]

Help.... Help.... I going to die laughing!!!! :eek: :D

[Granny]

Oh, darn!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I peed my pants!

:o

[rosana brito]

OH! My God, still well that I have this I sing it stops to give many laugh, I loved all, much amused exactly, e good for seeing the side glad of girls , this me she made much well, I find that so early not I will suffer one I glut, therefore the medicine it says that to laugh it makes well to the heart, then we go in to escraxar of as much to laugh, hahahahhahhah


Kisses you all
:D

[sacannon]

LOL ROTF!!! These are all great!

[Kazr]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to
hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words
that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a
woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just
love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to
spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she
tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just
buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new
clothes, so I said,
"Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewellery
department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought
I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when
se doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her
for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said,
"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey,
I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with
a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a
man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for
the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
witch knows I'm smarter than her.

[Kazr]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman
. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you
a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog.
He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment
the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has
ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet
watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time
with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman
couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike"

[mswizard]

Thanks for the laughs Kazr! Those were a riot! Im still giggling...maybe I better go use the potty hehehehe before I laugh anymore this morning!:rolleyes:

[*eng*]

Brilliant Kazr.....they are classic. :D

[Granny]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,

of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card

with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


:D

[jazzieal]

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
Yes. What can I do for you?"
I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it
inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"


"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to Git-R-Dun)

[*eng*]

LOl very good Jazz!

[makeyesup]

This is not a joke, but a great video of two otters in love. Gives you a happy feeling.



http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/2007/03/that_did_not_ju.html

[*eng*]

This was on the news here today! So sweet :)

[mswizard]

This is a warning to all you peeps on this forum thread:

DO NOT...I repeat....DO NOT drink coffee or any other hot beverage while reading these darned jokes....could be VERY hazzardus to your health let alone your monitor and keyboard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D

[mswizard]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,

of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card

with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


:D

Im Polish and this was so cute I had to send it to everyone I could think of in my family!!!!

THANKS!!!!!

[crops2dawn]

OMG this is soooooooo funny! I love it! Keep em coming, I make sure I go to the bathroom, before reading these!

[pkdoll]

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[pkdoll]

Some possible computer bumper stickers
1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

2. <-------- The information went data way

3. The name is Baud...James Baud.

4. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

5. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

6. C:V> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

7. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

8. Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

9. E Pluribus Modem

10. .... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

13. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

18. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

20. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

22. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

23. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)

26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

27. Hit any user to continue.

28. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

[mswizard]

PK....The one about the computer bumper stickers was a riot...I had to copy that one! LOVED IT!

[*eng*]

This thread gets funnier :)

[jazzieal]

Pregnant Turkey ? ? ?


One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE

[*eng*]

Pregnant Turkey ? ? ?


One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE

Oh Jazz....poor girl! In the 'heat' of the moment I would probably be taken in by that. Very funny though.

[makeyesup]

Easter Blonde

Three blondes went to Heaven on the same day and showed up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked them over and said, "Well, before you can enter the gates you have to answer one simple question, to show you know something about why you're here."

The first blonde stepped up to the gates, and St. Peter said, "Now, explain to me, what is Easter?" The woman replied, "Oh, that's easy. That's the holiday in November, when everybody gets together to give thanks, and eats turkey, and..."

"Wrong," replied St. Peter, "You'll have to wait." He turned to the second blonde and said, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replied, "I know, Easter is about Jesus. In December, when we put
up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate His birthday."

St. Peter shook his head in disgust at the second woman and sighed. He turned to the third blonde and said, "You look a little smarter than the other two... Now, WHAT IS EASTER?"

The third blonde smiled and said, "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that takes place in the spring. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper, and He was deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. Then the Romans took Him to be crucified and stabbed Him in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and crucified Him. He died, and was buried in a cave sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiled and nodded.

The blonde continued, "And every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees His shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."

[mswizard]

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.


The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

[OnieRN]

We had a neighbor who was new to the United States. She had never heard of stuffing a turkey. My parents told this lady how critical this job was and how it has to be done properly. They invited this lady and her husband over to our house for the turkey stuffing to be done.

When the lady arrived, my parents had the kitchen set up like an operating room with the lights, sheets, they have white gowns on with masks on and hair nets and they had gloves on. My dad acted like the doctor and my mom was the assisted. They had their kitchen utinsels on a tray. My dad would say something like..., Knife, Spoon, stuffing, lets sew this bird up now. They really pulled it over on that lady and her husband, They actually fell for the joke!!!!! To this day, it is a family laugh when the topic comes up to prepare a turkey.

:D

[Granny]

God helps us, whatever possessed me to start this.... I'm on my third box of Depends!!!!!
:eek:

:p

[AmeliasMuma]

OMG .... Granny ... ROFLMBO

[AmeliasMuma]

God helps us, whatever possessed me to start this.... I'm on my third box of Depends!!!!!
:eek:

:p

What you need to do is read the thread once a day. That way you wont go through so many :D

[pkdoll]

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,
Dorothy

[mswizard]

God helps us, whatever possessed me to start this.... I'm on my third box of Depends!!!!!
:eek:

:p

Granny,
There is a web site that sells Depends wholesale, Want me to find it for ya? hehehehehe

[Marion]

A matter of perspective
The cookie thief

A woman was waiting at an airport one night,
with several long hours before her flight.
She hunted for a book in the airport shop,
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop,

She was engrossed in her book, but happened to see,
That the man beside her, as bold as could be,
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between,
Which she tried to ignore, to avoid a scene.

She read, munched cookies, and watched the clock,
As the gutsy “cookie thief” diminished her stock.
She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, “ if I wasn’t so nice , I’d blacken his eye !”

With each cookie she took, he took one too.
When only one was left, she wondered what he’d do.
With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half, as he ate the other.
She snatched it from him and thought “oh brother,
this guy has some nerve, and he’s also rude,
Why, he didn’t even show any gratitude!.

She had never known when she had been so galled,
And sighed with relief when her flight was called.
She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate,
Refusing to look back at the “thieving ingrate”.

She boarded the plane and sank in her seat,
Then she sought her book, which was almost complete.
As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise,
There was her bag of cookies in front her eyes!

“If mine ARe here”, She moaned with despair,
“Then the others were his and he tried to share”
Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief!

[Kazr]

Heehee So funny everyone, having a great laugh here, thank you Granny for thinking of this,keep the laughs coming everyone :)

a couple more for you :)

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows each week and began to understand how the magician
did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the
middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is
hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards
the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do
anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found
himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot,
of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the *%#*#* boat?"

[Kazr]

A husband and wife were having
dinner at a very fine restaurant when
an absolutely stunning young woman
comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big open-mouthed kiss,
then says she'll see him later and
walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and
says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my
mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says
the wife. "I've had enough! I want
a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her
husband, "but remember if we get
a divorce it will mean no more
shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more
summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti
or Lexus in the garage, and no more
yacht club. But the decision is
yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters
the restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks
the wife. "That's his mistress," says her
husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

[Kazr]

GOLF

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit
one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down
to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help.
I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
finally allowed her to help.! She gently took his hands away and laid them
to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered
tender and artful massage for several long moments asked, "How does that
feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[Marion]

Hee hee hee ha ha ha! :D :D

[jazzieal]

GOLF

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit
one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down
to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help.
I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
finally allowed her to help.! She gently took his hands away and laid them
to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered
tender and artful massage for several long moments asked, "How does that
feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

ROFL tooo funny

[*eng*]

Excellent Kazr rotfl :D

[Granny]

Karz... confounded woman, learn how to count... those were three jokes, not two!

:rolleyes:

[Granny]

Karz... confounded woman, learn how to count... those were three jokes, not two! :rolleyes:

Mzwizard.... Yes, please, I need to order several cases. Maybe Cannon can carry them full time in her store?

;)

ps: Folks... Just a thought, this is an open forum and there are young ones that visit this place as well as very conservative oldies. For their sakes, could be keep the jokes squaky clean, and pg rated? Thank you. I know you all mean well and have not thought of this, but it may be worth keeping in mind? Hope you don't mind we asking? ;)

[mswizard]

We need to keep it clean...as possible.


A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home
and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a
tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a
window overlooking a lovely flower garden.



She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly
started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive
nurses immediately rushed up to
catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly
started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses
rushed back and once more brought her
back upright. This went on all morning.




Later, the family arrived to see how the old
woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied.
"Except they won't let me fart." :p

[Kazr]

Haha,enjoying these immensely:)So pleased you are enjoying my jokes & my warped sense of humour :)

Granny,
Sorry about *the couple* comment, I just couldn't help myself when I found the Golf one LOL..
Also trying to find *clean*jokes & most of mine are slightly tainted with innuendo,so will have to go looking again :)

Heres a little one for you all :D

Senators WILLIAM B. SPONG of Virginia and HIRAM FONG of Hawaii sponsored
a Bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival
in Hong Kong of the US table tennis team, after it's tour of Communist China.
The Bill failed to pass,cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

[mswizard]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street.

The father, being modern and well schooled in handling children, hid
his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you
thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and
the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I
get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy
answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When
you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not
going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step
on it!"

[Granny]

Ah, girls, you are good sports, thank you! And your jokes are hilarious!!!



In most of the United States , there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on he seat beside him.


The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!"

The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is
probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50
miles per hour.

Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?

:D

[makeyesup]

Granny,

Thanks for the trooper joke. That one gave me a good belly laugh.

[*eng*]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street.

The father, being modern and well schooled in handling children, hid
his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you
thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and
the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I
get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy
answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When
you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not
going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step
on it!"


:D :D

[*eng*]

Ah, girls, you are good sports, thank you! And your jokes are hilarious!!!



In most of the United States , there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on he seat beside him.


The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!"

The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is
probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50
miles per hour.

Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?

:D


:D :D

[Granny]

The sermon this Sunday morning at the local church will be...

"Jesus walks on water".

The sermon this Sunday evening wil be....

"Looking for Jesus".

:eek:

[Kazr]

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back
of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another's
’material so much, they’ve reached the point where
they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse
each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a
number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the
others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy,
and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!"
he quips. He gets nothing. Crickeys. "What?" he asks,
"Isn’t 44 funny?" "Sure, it’s usually hilarious,"
they answer. "But the way you tell it…"

[Kazr]

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper,
and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading
that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes
. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
(David Brenner).


They say animal behavior can warn you when an
earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last
earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and
drove to Arizona (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)



A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence:
he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in
and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass
. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod
and send him away. Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done
nothing but complain since you got here."

[sacannon]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN


The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at
The Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,
And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest,
It is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must
Tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
An entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to
Pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is
Good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance
Exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.

Life was a big enough test
As it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I
Know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions
Over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
Says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
Tell me your answers"

Forrest replied, "Well, the
First one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
He exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
Have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
For that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about
That, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
In a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's
Got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St.
Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
Though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
You credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied,
"it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated
And frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you
Came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
World did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest
One of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY
WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
And said: "Run Forrest, run."

[Granny]

Priceless, Kazr!!!! Cannon.... God help us!!!!!! Very funny!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day

I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".

:D

[*eng*]

Priceless all of them :D

[Smile]

Advice

Woman who spring on innerspring this spring have offspring next spring!:eek:

[Marion]

Priceless, Kazr!!!! Cannon.... God help us!!!!!! Very funny!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day

I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".

:D

I am a customer service rep for a safety supplycompany and I got a call from a gentleman wanting to know how much fit in a 55 gallon drum!!!

[jazzieal]

Sue...please order about 50 cases of depends...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws

[Granny]

Yeah!!!!! I like that one Jazz!!!!

:D

[sacannon]

Sue...please order about 50 cases of depends...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws



Yep, I think were going to need them Jazz! They are on order!

[mswizard]

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month. ROFL...that is gonna be me!

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. !

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby:! When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

[Kazr]

Thanks for the laughs ladies :D

Some silly/funny quotes from Steven Wright!.....

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window,
look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same
time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . .
It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know
what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the
radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it.
So I'm going to move to New York.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food.
My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides,
I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box,
hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous
breakdown.

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went
to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only
stutter in Spanish.

I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It gets me mad! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises
he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking
the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice.
Everything had two shadows.

[autisticwonder]

I LOVE READING these FUNNIES!! It really tickles me and makes my day!! THANKS for starting this!!! IT's THE BEST!!! LOL's!!!

[angelwithin]

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

[angelwithin]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

[angelwithin]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pi***d in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

[jazzieal]

TOO funny love the mice on skates joke..LOL

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

[Granny]

ROFL..... Thank you ladies, my days are so much easier to start now, after reading all this nonsense!!! Priceless!!

One would think, though, that there are a bunch of expecting mothers and old mothers in here! :p

:D

[Granny]

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Yep, they walk among us AND they reproduce!

:p

[mswizard]

--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. :eek:

[OnieRN]

I'm actually in the process of joining a gym too. I'm not motivated when it comes to going alone. That is the hardest part about getting a membership and being loyal to the cause.

Maybe next week I will go and get that membership.... Of course, right now I need to get feeling better from the streph and OH MY GOD, finding a pair of leotards will be the BIGGEST challenge for me.......lol

:)

[jazzieal]

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what in the world are these obscene cardboard figures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

[jazzieal]

This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall
saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know
what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No........I'm a little
busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall
who keeps answering all my questions!

[mswizard]

This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall
saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know
what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No........I'm a little
busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall
who keeps answering all my questions!

ROTF....I can actually see this happening to someone! HAHAHAHA You are soooo funny Jazz...thanks~!

[Kazr]

Still having a great laugh here,thanks ladies:D



TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!


LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
__________________________________________________ ______________________

FAMILY


Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
__________________________________________________ ______________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"


Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
__________________________________________________ _____________________

LITTLE LADY:


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
__________________________________________________ _____________________

OLD FRIENDS:


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
____________ __ __________________________________________________ _______

SENIOR DRIVING


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
__________________________________________________ _____________________

DRIVING


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

[TerryW]

I CAN'T GET IN

When I click on 'Days of our Scraps' it leads me to a blank page - any hints or should I take the fact that I can't get in as a hint:( ?

I've tried and I've tried and still can't can't get in.

Terry.

[OnieRN]

Did you click like other threads? It's the same! We're waiting for you to take up residence...... :D

[TerryW]

Hi Onie,

Yes - I have visited most threads to see what they are made of and 'Days of our Scrapville' is the only one doing this. I select the thread, a new tab opens (normal), the server communications open (normal) and then before any data begins to transfer - blank page.

I have the U-Haul packed - I'm sitting on the side of the road somewhere outside the 'City Limits'. I'll just have to sleep in the car till something changes... I just know what that might be.

Regards,
Terry.

[jazzieal]

Hi Onie,

Yes - I have visited most threads to see what they are made of and 'Days of our Scrapville' is the only one doing this. I select the thread, a new tab opens (normal), the server communications open (normal) and then before any data begins to transfer - blank page.

I have the U-Haul packed - I'm sitting on the side of the road somewhere outside the 'City Limits'. I'll just have to sleep in the car till something changes... I just know what that might be.

Regards,
Terry.

Hang on Terry...going to try and get some help for you..the welcome wagon is waiting on you in Scrapsville..

[jazzieal]

Kazr those were too funny...thanks for posting them..

Terry W...I sent out a may day to desmond for you in the SBM Discussion forum...keep a check maybe he or someone else can get you in Scrapsville..we're waiting on you..

Now to some of my favorites

Heres Your Sign:
Stupid people should have to wear stupid signs that just say, I'm stupid..that way you wouldnt rely on them would you? You wouldnt ask them anything..it would be like excuse me...opps..never mind, didnt see your sign..
Its like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway..my neighbor comes over and says, "Hey you moving?" Nope, we just pack our stuff up twice a week to see how many boxes it takes...Heres your sign...

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big string of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey ya'll catch all them fish"? Nope..talked them into giving up...Heres your sign...

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-road gas stations..the attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"
I couldnt resist..I said, Nope..I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me...Heres your sign...

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said..."are you still here?" No..I left about 10 minutes ago..Heres your sign...

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure..wouldnt you know I misjudged the height of a bridge..the truck got stuck and I couldnt get it out no matter how I tried.. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report...He went thru his basic questioning..okay..no problem..thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign..until he asked..."So, is your truck stuck?" I couldnt help myself...I looked at him looked back at the rig and then back to him and said..."No, Im delivering a bridge...heres your sign...
Ya'll have a good day!!!

[Marion]

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month. ROFL...that is gonna be me!

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. !

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby:! When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

Love it! I can identify with my 3 kids! Everything was so much more relaxed with the 3rd.:)

[Marion]

ROTF....I can actually see this happening to someone! HAHAHAHA You are soooo funny Jazz...thanks~!

Something like this actually happened to my poor Grandma, She was 84 years old when she came over to visit us from the Netherlands. This was her first ride on a big airplane. She had to go the the bathroom on the plane. As she finishes her job, she looks over and sees another lady right next to her. She says " I am so sorry ma'm I didn't see you" then she found out it was herself in the mirror! We teased her for a long time!:D

[GramCracker]

awwwwww..............
poor grandma !!!! LOL

[GramCracker]

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.


2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.


3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.


4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."


5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.


6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"


7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."


8. Don t use any punctuation


9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.


10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.



11 Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."


12. Sing Along At The Opera


13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme



14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.


15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.


16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.


17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"


18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"


19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."


20. Share this list with a friend.


Keep Smiling..........................

[Granny]

Oh, darn... Life is good!!!! I love this place! Marion, something like that happened to my uncle. He was on his way to the bathroom and saw a man in their bedroom. He started punching him. Good thing the mirror didn't brake!!!

:eek:

[Granny]

Mammograms
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there
is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for
a week preceding the exam and doing the following
exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and
best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in
and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in
door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the
door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case
the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the
cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes
and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged
under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly
back the car up until your breast is sufficiently
flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the
other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist.
Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends
against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an
appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it
again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!

AND , just a thought for all the women out there........

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
MENopause............

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with
men?.........And

When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!

Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget
to have a mammogram!!!!!!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

Share this with a friend!
I DID

:p

[mswizard]

Oh good Lord Granny I can't stop laughing...it HURTS!!!!! :eek:

[*eng*]

LOL Granny :)

[TerryW]

And of course, hetrosexual men feel great comfort during a prostate examination. As my GP prepared me for my first one he explained, "Terry, this will be a little uncomfortable - well actually it's going to feel like having a pole shoved up your bum - well... a Pole, a Croation, a Greek - it doesn't matter really".

Actually I recall as a young teenager overhearing a comment from an older male that a woman taking a heavy blow to the breast causes similar pain to when a male tales a blow to the testicles - ever since then, whenever I hear the word mammmm, maamoo, mmammoommooo - breast examination, my eyes water.

Do you know the real reason why women have the children in a marriage? Men put up with enough pain and suffering as it is.
Regards,
Terry.

[crops2dawn]

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.


2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.


3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.


4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."


5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.


6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"


7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."


8. Don t use any punctuation


9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.


10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.



11 Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."


12. Sing Along At The Opera


13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme



14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.


15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.


16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.


17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"


18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"


19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."


20. Share this list with a friend.


Keep Smiling..........................

Oh these are soooo funny! Last week Me and my daughter went through the McDonalds drive -thru, after ordering I said i wanted that to go! the look on my daughters face was priceless!! She kept her hands on her face until we drove away!HAHAHAHAHAHA She refuses to go anywhere with me! LOL Thats one way to get rid of em! LOL:)

[Marion]

Oh oh, here we go again. Girls we are going to have to retrain this fellow. We went through this before, but here you go TerryW......

Do you know why God made the Woman?

He looked at the man and then thought "I can do better then that!":D

[crops2dawn]

Oh oh, here we go again. Girls we are going to have to retrain this fellow. We went through this before, but here you go TerryW......

Do you know why God made the Woman?

He looked at the man and then thought "I can do better then that!":D

I am staying out of this one!!!!! *sitting on the side lines and just watching*
hahahahahahahahahahaha

[angelwithin]

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. :D

[angelwithin]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...

"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

[angelwithin]

you wont believe how hard its been for me to stop myself posting some of the more risky jokes...but ive been good and posted the clean ones *angelic look* but....well men bashing thats always clean isnt it rofl

FALL CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Monday, Oct 30, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1: How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll
Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours

Class 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks

Class 5: Dinner Dishes
Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6: Loss Of Identity
Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7: Learning How To Find Things
Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8: Health Watch
Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours

Class 9: Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11: Learning to Live
Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy
Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14: The Stove/Oven
What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to survivors. :D

[OnieRN]

Now how in the world are you going to survive all these women if you go and crack jokes about us? Here I thought I was your buddy!!!!! Your treading deep waters dear!!!!!

:D

[spanielmom]

I think I'm enrolling my son in toilet training class - and he's 16.

[Shelbz]

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?", she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk.

[Smile]

Love these jokes .............Great on Shelvz...........Smile....xoxo:D

[Granny]

ROFL!!!!!!!!!!

Shelbz... That one takes the cake! :D

Oh, my word!!!

Terry, don't feel bad. Steve must be blessing your name by now, because until now, it was he and Crops bashing each other all day long!!!!

We love ya, kid!

[jazzieal]

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY...yall have me in stitches now..Ive gotten choked about 3 times now..I need to learn I cant drink and read posts in here...nearly cost me my life one time..lol...I can even begin to top these latest ones and Terry W..you are either very brave or very stupid one or the other ROFL..Steve is gonna love having you here..Im sure you arent stupid so you must be brave....but Im afraid you have done it now and will be in for some torment..all in fun though..thanks everyone for the laughter...granny I should give you a great big hug for starting this but I cant because Im laughing to hard and I have to go find a depends....love you all...:D

[GramCracker]

TO BE 6 AGAIN

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at her self in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours Later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside do wn.


He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.


Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy. What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again ??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.


I meant my Dress Size, you dumb a**!!


The moral of the story: Even when a man Is listening, he is going to get it wrong. ..


Keep Smiling.......................

[Marion]

Good one! :D :D

[Granny]

Deep thoughts for those who take life too seriously. We can't change everything we disagree with.

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like...night.

3 On the other hand...you have different fingers

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.</ STRONG>

7. He who laughs last...thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

15 OK, so what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[Marion]

Brilliant Granny!

[mswizard]

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

It's kinda like why ya never see the headline:
PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY!!!!!

[*eng*]

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

It's kinda like why ya never see the headline:
PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY!!!!!

LOL so true! :D

[mswizard]

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

No baby yet! :( Only 2cm and 50% Effaced...I think I should go ride my 4 wheeler tomorrow LOL. Get a sono this week to measure Emm and to see if she's still breech and Friday if I don't go in before..my doc is scheduling a C-Section YIPPEEEEEE!!!!

[Shelbz]

Way down in Louisiana , Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux!
You just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!" Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too." Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!"
When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere tree-in-one Oil?"
His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"
Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a **** good ting we didn't use no WD-forty.

[Marion]

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

No baby yet! :( Only 2cm and 50% Effaced...I think I should go ride my 4 wheeler tomorrow LOL. Get a sono this week to measure Emm and to see if she's still breech and Friday if I don't go in before..my doc is scheduling a C-Section YIPPEEEEEE!!!!

With my last one my husband took me up flying doing crazy eights to get him lose, no luck! I mowed the lawn trying to shake him lose, no luck, he came he felt like it! Still does whatever he wants to!:D

[Granny]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, she has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

"The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

:eek:

[*eng*]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, she has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

"The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

:eek:

LOL Reminds me of when my hubby pretended that the brakes had failed on our car going doewn a hill! I have to say it did cure my hiccups :D

[mswizard]

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.



2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.



3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.



4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.



5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.



6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.



7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!



8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.



9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.



10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.



11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.



12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.



13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[*eng*]

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.



2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.



3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.



4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.



5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.



6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.



7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!



8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.



9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.



10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.



11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.



12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.



13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

:D :D :D :D

[Granny]

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.



FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.



FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.



FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.


NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.


GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.


AND THE BEST ONE:


FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

:p

[*eng*]

I love that last one Granny....PRICELESS :D

[Kazr]

Still having a great laugh thanks to you all :D
It's been so hectic here with School holidays,Easter,Birthdays etc, will be pleased when it all gets back to normal :)

Some more Steven Wright for you :)(yes it's true,I have a warped sense of humour):D

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the
back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically..

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called,
"They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself.
Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning.
.[Picks up his glass of water from the stool...] I like to live on the edge...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child... Eventually.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car
I like to say, "Sooo, how far did you THINK you were
going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to
try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you
get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington
for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.
She said, "Cut it out."

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning.
I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on.
My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake
me up so he carried me out of the house, put my
skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the
mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out
of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving
horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.

[knzus]

*ROTFL at you all*

Oh my goodness...I needed this thread!

Speaking of jokes...ya ever notice how they made bagpipes sound like cats yowling? (Sorry to my hubby...he's a Scot descendant...but I couldn't resist.) LOL!

[mswizard]

-I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Granny]

ROFL!!!!!!!!!! Oh my word, there ought to be a law!!!

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.


Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq,Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.



George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.



85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.


Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.



Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.


IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent


Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[Marion]

These are all great! Nice to come home from work and read these. I Needed a laugh!:D

[Marion]

HUSBAND:"When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?"

WIFE: "I clean the toilet"....

HUSBAND: "How does that help?"

WIFE: "I use your toothbrush!".....

[mswizard]

You're KILLING me here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:eek::D

[spanielmom]

Mswizard I'm surprised your still hanging around----thought you would have had that baby by now!

[Granny]

Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord
My shape to keep

Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags.

Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy Please keep me young,


And thank you Dear Lord

For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[*eng*]

Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord
My shape to keep

Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags.

Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy Please keep me young,


And thank you Dear Lord

For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

:D :D :D :D ROTFL

[makeyesup]

Paying Bills
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.

We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change.

As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."

[OnieRN]

Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord
My shape to keep

Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags.

Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy Please keep me young,


And thank you Dear Lord

For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.




Dang, Granny you straightened me out. How can I thank you???? Here I was looking for all 4 qualities in the same man!!!! OKAY, I guess I better get high tailen and find me four guys instead of ONE!!!! LOL

[Granny]

:eek: :p :D

[angelwithin]

A young man shopping in a supermarket
Noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout,
And she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
"Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout. As she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom!"

The little old lady waved, and smiled
back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."



Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

[knzus]

A young man shopping in a supermarket
Noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout,
And she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
"Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout. As she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom!"

The little old lady waved, and smiled
back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*gasp*hahahahahahahaha haha! I'm going to have to remember that one when I get old(er)! LOL! Good one, Angel!! ROTFL!

[Nikita♥]

haha i like that one :)

[TerryW]

Angel,

I love it - that's my kind of woman!




Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

I thought you were describing me till I got to number 5. :D ;) :) :p

Thanks for the laugh girls,
Terry.

[jazzieal]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[angelwithin]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e102/srangelwithin/smilies/brent.gif

[Marion]

Hysterical!!!!!

[nanwu]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Oh my gosh, I love blonde jokes (now that my hair has turned brown with age) and this one had me in stitches. I have a really good friend who is blonde and she is just everything that a true blonde should be. I can't wait to tell her this joke, and then spend the next hour explaining it to her lol. I cracked up because I could just invisage her doing exactly that. I love her though she is a very good friend

[Marion]

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day


BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Bon Bon

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Bon Bons
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole Woolworth's cheesecake (eaten directly from the
freezer)

REMEMBER :
"stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts"

Send this to four women and you will lose two kilograms

Send this to all
the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10 kgs

IF you delete this message you will gain 10 kgs

Here's some advice for you:
Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Cardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Bob Bons , tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates .

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

*Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece

[*eng*]

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day


BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Bon Bon

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Bon Bons
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole Woolworth's cheesecake (eaten directly from the
freezer)

REMEMBER :
"stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts"

Send this to four women and you will lose two kilograms

Send this to all
the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10 kgs

IF you delete this message you will gain 10 kgs

Here's some advice for you:
Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Cardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Bob Bons , tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates .

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

*Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece

:D :D :D :D

[Granny]

ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Marion, you're priceless. This one takes the cake!

:p

[jazzieal]

Marion..thanks..thats just my kind of menu...love it..hahahaha

[Granny]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80-mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more.



Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.



"I can get away from him. No problem!" thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph.



Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up.



Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."



"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

:p

[jazzieal]

hehehehe good one granny

[jazzieal]

I can't believe Ive been doing this all wrong all these years...
See the attached picture..
We have to get the word out !!!!!

[*eng*]

I can't believe Ive been doing this all wrong all these years...
See the attached picture..
We have to get the word out !!!!!

So thats it! I'll definitely pass the message on :D

[Marion]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is
disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"


The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

[TerryW]

I really shouldn't be telling this joke - I feel a bit of a traitor to my own gender but it cracked me up.

Q. Why are 'blonde' jokes so short?
A. So men can understand them.

Terry.

[Marion]

I can't believe Ive been doing this all wrong all these years...
See the attached picture..
We have to get the word out !!!!!

What a great idea! will have to try that out!

[Marion]

I really shouldn't be telling this joke - I feel a bit of a traitor to my own gender but it cracked me up.

Q. Why are 'blonde' jokes so short?
A. So men can understand them.

Terry.

Don't feel bad Terry, it's common knowledge!:D

[makeyesup]

I can't believe Ive been doing this all wrong all these years...
See the attached picture..
We have to get the word out !!!!!

Thanks Jazz, think I'll mount mine on the ceiling. That way I can always be at zero weight - no gain, no loss, no diet, tons of goodies.

[Kazr]

Thanks all for the laughs:)


Older couple lying in bed
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."



Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."



That Darn Cat!
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a gun on the phone, I'm lost and need directions.


Adopted twins
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[makeyesup]

Love this thread, laughs always help the days.

Bubba Had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor ca me in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"


Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

[Marion]

Very funny:D

[*eng*]

Lol :d Lol :d Lol :d

[*eng*]

Ooops! LOL :D LOL :D LOL :D

[Granny]

Oh, my word, I can't breath! LOLOLOLOLOLOOL!!!!!!!!!

:D

[sacannon]

A man checked into a hotel in Brazil. There was a computer in his room, so
he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed
the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile ............. somewhere in Sutherland, a widow had just arrived
home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail,
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've arrived

Date: June 3, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and
you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It is **** hot down here!!

[Granny]

Rofl..... :d

[Marion]

Love it!!!!

[mswizard]

NOW I can laugh!!!!!!!!!:D

[knzus]

OMG you guys are just too too funny! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha*gasp*hahahahahahaha !

[knzus]

:d Lol :d Lol :d

Looks like you're licking your nose like my doggies do theirs. LOL! (NO, I am NOT calling you a dog, Eng! I'm laughing WITH you, NOT AT you!! LOL!)

[nanwu]

omg, I loved this joke, I don't think I have laughed so much in ages, I'm rolling round, almost wetting my pants

[Marion]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter
was
inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the
Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."

"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said,
'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.
One
more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when
the
mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her
pocket
and shot him."

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me
and
quietly said, 'That's once.'"

[Marion]

Hillbilly Mirror....

After living in the remote wilderness of Tennessee all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture,' but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly witch he's runnin' around with."

[Granny]

Oh, my word, Dr. Quakers..... My sections are finally paying off! You're hysterical! YIPNSCPS!!!

:p

[mswizard]

that was way too funny Marion! WAY too funny! I love this thread! The jokes make ya split yur britches hehehehe:D

[spanielmom]

Just received this in an email. Laughed so hard after reading it. Thought I would share with all of you.


The Mommy Test


I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away
from her and I asked her not to do that.

Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been,
it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and
asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy
Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked
along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new
information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have
to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face

[Marion]

That's so funny!!!!

[jazzieal]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD!


Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?"



I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! ).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).



By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny littl e lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.



"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in
my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what sh e does to me is one
thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).



The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting, " he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um . . . Um . . M--------e. Just the way he
did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . .. Just . .
Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved t hat we
understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . That . . I'm
picturing you pulling on its . its . . teeny little . ." She gasped for
more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

[knzus]

.....I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened.............

ROTFLMHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bravo!!!!! Bravo!!!!!

If I could think of some sort of certificate to give you for that joke, I'd make it in a heart beat! LOL!

[Granny]

Knzus : The before and after effects of her binge eating at the B&B... and subsequently joining Weightwatchers.

:p

[jazzieal]

ROTFLMHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bravo!!!!! Bravo!!!!!

If I could think of some sort of certificate to give you for that joke, I'd make it in a heart beat! LOL!

LOL glad you liked it..when I read it I was laughing so hard all the way thru it I couldn't breathe..the kids thought I had lost it..can't you just picture all that happening..toooo funny....:D

[Marion]

Knzus : The before and after effects of her binge eating at the B&B... and subsequently joining Weightwatchers.

:p

Granny, Looks like hillbillie plastic surgery!

Hmmm I wonder if that would work for me. A nip and a tuck here and there, I think I have a basket of old clothes pins somewhere. I could be wrinkle free!

[Marion]

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life....





As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember...


1. Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
an impressive new book. It's called .
"Ministers Do More Than Lay People."


2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
and be Mary.


3. The difference between the Pope and
your boss, the Pope only expects you
to kiss his ring.


4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
flash and it is gone.


5. The only time the world beats a path to
your door is if you're in the bathroom.


6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.


7. It used to be only death and taxes
were inevitable Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.


8. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.


9. My next house will have no kitchen - just
vending machines and a large trash can.


10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my
mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid."


11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog.
I went to see how he was and found
him writing frantically on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be treated, and
he didn't have to worry about a Will. He
said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list
of the people I want to bite."


12. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.


13. As you slide down the banister of life, may
the splinters never point the wrong way.

[Granny]

ROFLMHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Priceless!!!!! :D

[*eng*]

Just caught up on this! Soooo funny :D

[Marion]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same officer was in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter . $50

[pkdoll]

LMYAO!!! See what happens when you take creative writing class!!:D

[Granny]

Marion, you heathen!!!! :eek:

Priceless!!!!! :D

[sacannon]

ROTF :D Good ones Marion!

[sacannon]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

[Granny]

Oh, my word... this is the funnies thing I ever read!!!!!! :D :D :D

[spanielmom]

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.



He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.


The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery

where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked

vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go

by and nobody sees the old abbot.



So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R ! We missed the R !

We missed the R !"



His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying

uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"The word was...


CELEBRATE!!!"

[sacannon]

Too funny! LOL

[*eng*]

http://www.smileycons.com/img/emotions/92.gif

[Marion]

A priest wanted to raise money for his church. He was told that there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to purchase one and enter in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PRIEST'S *** SHOWS

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:

PRIEST'S *** OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ***!

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

[Granny]

ROFL.....

The local priest invited a nun out to dinner and a show. Hearing about it, some folks asked the Bishop what he thought of this. His answer was:

"It's ok with me... long as they don't get into the Habit".

:eek:

[Granny]

For you parents out there...

:p

[angelwithin]

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.She tells the salesman:
"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."
The surprised salesman replies:"But, madam, computers do not have curtains!!!"
....And the blonde said:
"Helloooo....? I've got Windows"!!!

[makeyesup]

This is probably exactly what our little people think when we talk.

[Shelbz]

Medicines Just For Women
Damitol: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. Mom's Wort: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of rap and c/w music.
Flipitor: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin: Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-One-all: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book byDr. Laura.
JackAsspirin: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
Antitalksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamat: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

[nanwu]

I want some of these medications.........do I need a perscription or are they over the counter meds LOL

[Granny]

Hey, we need a pharmacy in Scrapsville! :eek:

[angelwithin]

Top 10 Signs of a Scrapbook Addict

-You're the only one at a social gathering yelling, "Just one more photo, folks; I don't have enough for a two-page spread!

-A regular sandwich is no longer acceptable--it must be cropped or cut with decorative edges.

-You try to claim your album purchases as a medical expense because it's such good "therapy".

-You buy a new pink swimsuit because it matches the pink photo mounting paper.

-Your child is the only one in agriculture class who thinks "crop" is to "cut your photos."

-You decide to give your child piano lessons so you'll be able to use the musical instrument stickers that are in the Big Pack.

-You redecorate your family room to coordinate with your photo album covers.

-Your three year old wants to know if her coloring book is "archival quality".

-You're in a fender bender and your first thought is, "I wonder what die-cut shape will coordinate with this event?"

-Scraps from your corner rounder cuttings can be found in unusual places: school lunch bags, briefcases, the laundry, the dog's water bowl.

-Of course a scrapbook addict doesn't follow a 12 step program but a 12 x 12 step one.

[knzus]

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen." The surprised salesman replies:"But, madam, computers do not have curtains!!!" ....And the blonde said: "Helloooo....? I've got Windows"!!!

Uhhhhh, I don't get it.

ROTFL!!! (Yes, I do...just playing up the blonde thing since I AM a blonde! LOL!)

[Granny]

Hey Fiona, we could all join Scrapaholics Anonimous! :p

[Granny]

Train Your Man Now!
TRAINING COURSES NOW AVAILABLE FOR MEN

Be one step ahead of the rest.....sign up NOW!!

Classes Start Soon!

1) Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop!

2) Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge!

3) Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding.

4) Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.

5) Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? You CAN Tell the Difference!

6) If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss 101.

7) If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss 102.

8) Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9) Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In.

10) Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In.

11) Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink!

12) Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13) Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to run out of Toilet Paper!

14) Bathroom Etiquette IV: What to Do With the Toilet Seat When You Are Done.

15) Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill.

16) Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts.

17) No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware.

18) Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

19) Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means!

20) Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut.

21) Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category.

22) Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote.

23) "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh.

24) Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet.

25) Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed.

26) "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

27) The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

28) Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them.

29) Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime.

30) Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It!

[Granny]

Do you know why Crops2Dawn went peepee on her album?......

She wanted to go where no scrapper had gone before!!! :D :D :D

:p

[OnieRN]

Do you know why Crops2Dawn went peepee on her album?......

She wanted to go where no scrapper had gone before!!! :D :D :D

:p

Way to go Granny!!!

[Marion]

Ahhhh we are back to jokes, I have been missing these!

hey everyone just don't follow in Crops footsteps!

[Marion]

Want you to feel better and laughter is better then medicine, so I found you a nursing joke.

Top 10 Reasons to Become a Nurse, Nursing Jokes, Top Ten Humor

Pays better than McDonald's (though the hours aren't as good.)

Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms.

Needles: 'tis better to give than to receive.

Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops ... eventually.

Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.

Interesting aromas.

Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear handwriting.

Enough charting to navigate around the world.

Celebration of holidays with all your friends ... at work.

Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

[OnieRN]

LIZARD BIRTHING -
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my gosh!" my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" sheninquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!).
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged,
deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear
briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my
house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section," I suggested scientifically?

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen - Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know
what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face - Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for
more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back
into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30..

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless

MORAL OF THE STORY - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

[OnieRN]

Want you to feel better and laughter is better then medicine, so I found you a nursing joke.

Top 10 Reasons to Become a Nurse, Nursing Jokes, Top Ten Humor

Pays better than McDonald's (though the hours aren't as good.)

Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms.

Needles: 'tis better to give than to receive.

Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops ... eventually.

Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.

Interesting aromas.

Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear handwriting.

Enough charting to navigate around the world.

Celebration of holidays with all your friends ... at work.

Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

Yepper, I was able to laugh with that too!

[rosana brito]

Today I had some free moments, and read all these, confess that I gave much laugh, one funnier than another one, this of the Onie he was absolutely funny, and Dr Marion, of granny to place arrestor in dog, was excessively, I loved all, I adore to hear its stories, Brave girl, now I go to look at this every day, I cannot lose these things funny! :D !


Kisses you all
:D

[OnieRN]

Where's today's joke? :confused:

[*eng*]

Oh great the jokes are starting again...brilliant. The last few recent ones are too funny :D

[Marion]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.">
The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

[mswizard]

OMG! That was hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[OnieRN]

LMAO, Dr Marion your so funny.

[Granny]

I can't breath, Marion... That's hysterical!!!!!

:D

[wolvsie35]

This might not be a "joke", but I bet it will make you laugh...

My mom calls this morning and as usual I have to do something while I'm on the phone...So I decided to make another cup of coffee...I use equal and milk in my "wake up juice"...lol..Anyways, I made my cup of coffee and brought it to my computer desk, which is where I was before she called to read my emails...After talking to her for a couple minutes, I reached for my cup but to my surprise, I was grabbing a gallon of milk...lol...I'm like, what the "bleep"!!!!!! Here I put the cup of coffee in the fridge and brought the milk with me instead...Maybe old age is settling in...lol...Thought I'd share my dumb moment with you...P.S. After telling my mom this story, she was laughing so hard, she dropped the phone....hehe....Have a great day everyone...

[OnieRN]

This might not be a "joke", but I bet it will make you laugh...

My mom calls this morning and as usual I have to do something while I'm on the phone...So I decided to make another cup of coffee...I use equal and milk in my "wake up juice"...lol..Anyways, I made my cup of coffee and brought it to my computer desk, which is where I was before she called to read my emails...After talking to her for a couple minutes, I reached for my cup but to my surprise, I was grabbing a gallon of milk...lol...I'm like, what the "bleep"!!!!!! Here I put the cup of coffee in the fridge and brought the milk with me instead...Maybe old age is settling in...lol...Thought I'd share my dumb moment with you...P.S. After telling my mom this story, she was laughing so hard, she dropped the phone....hehe....Have a great day everyone...

Now that sounds like something I would do! LOL In fact, I'm sure I've done goofy things like that before----hehehe

[Granny]

She has blond roots, everyone! Let's hear it for Wolvsie!!!! :p

[wolvsie35]

She has blond roots, everyone! Let's hear it for Wolvsie!!!! :p

I was a blonde once, and no one liked it...lol...too funny...I feel sorry for the blondes out there...You never hear someone say, "Go figure, she's brunette." lol....

[Kazr]

The Love Dress!

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door
then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law
laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no
end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and
ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch
waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked
in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

[Kazr]

WHY WE HATE THE MANAGERS
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height
of a flagpole. So they went to the flagpole with a ladder
and measuring tape. They keep falling off the ladder, dropping the
tape and the whole thing is in a mess. An engineer comes along and
sees what they are trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole
out of the ground, lay it flat, measure it from end to end, gives
the measurement to one the managers and walks away.

After the engineer left, one manager turns to another and laughs.
"Isn't that just like an engineer ? We are looking for the height
and he gives us the length"!

Moral of the Story :
No matter how ingenious you are. Managers can always find fault with
you.

[Granny]

Oh, my word, you are so funny!!!!

:D

[Marion]

Love these!!!:D

[Kazr]

Lights?
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
.................................................. .....................................
Another Blonde joke!

Horse Sense
A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.

She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"

.................................................. .....................................

Why Parents Have Gray Hair
Just a reminder........

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

[Granny]

ROFL!! Kazr!!! Sounds like you have known Wolvsie for a long time. You even know her past history.... :eek: :p

Oh, and the teenager? I would kill him! :eek: